


Allow Me This

by ThatWeirdFangirl



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mild Gore, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 08:41:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7708420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWeirdFangirl/pseuds/ThatWeirdFangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler and Josh pick each other up when one of them is feeling down. But what happens when both of them can barely hold themselves together?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Allow Me This

**Author's Note:**

> And I've switched ships again! Sorry guys. I'm really digging Joshler right now. Again, disclaimer. I respect these people a ton, and they've helped me a lot through some stuff (including my most recent depressive episode). But they also inspire me. So I wrote this (and another thing that I'll publish soon). So yeah...please don't hate me. 
> 
> So, trigger warning: self harm and mild gore. If you could possibly get triggered by this, please please please do not read it. Go read some of my other works. I care a lot more about your health and safety than kudos. On the other hand, if you are having troubles, you can find me on tumblr at Alex-the-anthropologist. 
> 
> So, you've been warned. With that, enjoy! Thank you for reading. This isn't beta'd, so tell me of any outstanding errors. Thanks and stay safe, my frens.

Tyler Joseph was a good man. Well, he thought so. He didn't smoke. He didn't drink too much. He respected his parents and was kind to everyone. He was a fine, upstanding citizen, right? But even the mask of perfection must fall at times. He could allow himself this one...vice. One. Once in a while. 

Joshua Dun was a good man. He only smoked a joint here and there. He didn't even like the taste of alcohol. He was a doting son and a loving boyfriend. He was nearly perfect, wasn't he? Well, nearly. Sometimes, one slips. He couldn't help it. One minute he would be fine. The next, he wouldn't be, and he would return to his one vice. 

Tyler and Josh were connected in every way possible. They did everything together, loved each other like brothers, like more than brothers. They also had their problems. At times, anxiety would consume one of them, leaving them frozen and mute in fear. The other would promptly fall into the role of caretaker, forcing the other into the shower or to eat or to curl up under fluffy blankets and just listen to the other's calm breaths. Their relationship was symbiotic, and they acted as anchors and buoys on a rough sea for each other, keeping them both grounded and afloat. But sometimes both of them would fall simultaneously. Their waves of highs and low would suddenly sync up, for just a moment, and when they did, there was not much good to be done. 

***

The past week had been very taxing. Tyler had been running on caffeine and no sleep. He couldn't remember when he had last showered. He had several coats of paint stuck to the skin on his neck and hands. It had been a while. 

Everything was too much around him. The lights were too bright and the sound of the bus on the road was deafening. He sat in the bathroom, curled into a ball, hands over his ears and eyes closed tightly as he tried to ignore it. His skin felt too tight. He wanted to claw at it, to open it up to make it fit. 

He could though. He could. It had been a while. He could allow himself to...

Before he knew it, his feet were carrying him to his bunk. He kept the small tin under his bed, an old mint container that he had converted for darker purposes. He held his breath as he tucked it into his pocket and returned to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He breathed a sigh of relief as he collapsed against the door. He reached a shaky hand into his pocket and brought out the tin. 

A soft cough from across the room jolted him from his trance. Tyler looked up, his eyes meeting blank brown ones. 

***

Josh felt numb. He wasn't sad or upset or distraught. He was numb and tired. Had been increasingly for the past week. He barely had the energy to force himself to eat a granola bar and some juice before he had gone back to sleep. He'd played several shows on autopilot. He hadn't wanted to, but they had so many fans who wanted to see them. He couldn't let any of them down. 

He was lying in the lounge, staring at the ceiling as he dozed in and out. He had a bad taste in his mouth. When had he last brushed his teeth? Or showered? He couldn't remember. 

Gosh, this slump was hitting him bad. It wouldn't be so bad if he could feel something. If he could just feel again...even physically. His senses felt dulled and he felt like he was moving in slow motion and too fast at the same time. 

His mind wandered to a time when the sharp bites in his skin would jolt him back to life. It had been a while. Maybe it was time to...indulge. 

He crept silently to his bunk, finding the small knife that he kept stashed away, along with some alcohol wipes. He could be as safe as he could about it. 

He found the bathroom empty, and he sat on the floor of the shower. He stared at the pocket knife in his hand, the blade of it tucked inside the shell. 

The door opened- He had forgotten to lock it- and Tyler sank to the floor. His breathing was ragged and his hands were shaking as they pulled a small tin from his pocket. He didn't notice Josh. He seemed to be in a trance. 

He looked awful. His eyes were bloodshot and faded black paint left gray smudges over his face, neck, and hands. He looked so fragile. Josh coughed and Tyler's eyes snapped towards his, his lips pulling into a grim smile. He moved with jerky movements to sit in front of Josh, glancing at the knife in his hand. 

"Looks like the both of us had the same idea." Josh murmured, his eyes not leaving Tyler's. "I just need to-"

"Feel something. The pain is-"

"Grounding." 

They stared at each other, knowing that they both needed this. But they needed to limit themselves, to stop the other from going too far. 

"Just one."

"Not too deep."

"Just enough to hurt."

They fell into an eerie quiet. Tyler opened his tin and Josh opened the blade. Alcohol wipes ran over skin and blades and then it was done. A shallow line ran across Josh's thigh and a similar red line across Tyler's shoulder, a new red mark that joined faded white ones. 

Tyler was the first to break as the relief hit him. He threw his tools to the side and pressed his side to Josh's. He let his head fall onto Josh's shoulder as his breathing evened out. Josh slowly came back into himself as he felt the pain in his leg and the weight of Tyler on his shoulder. He realized that both of them were sobbing. 

Tyler pressed his face into Josh's neck and Josh pulled the man into his lap, burying his face into Tyler's neck, breathing in the scent of sweat and blood. Hands rubbed and tapped gentle circles over clothed spines. Their breaths finally evened out and they pulled away, looking at tear-stained faces and red-rimmed eyes. 

"Hey," Josh whispered as he shivered at the sudden cold that had overtaken his body. 

"Hey," Tyler replied as he ran his fingers through Josh's pink curls. "We should shower, get cleaned up."

"Yeah." Josh replied as he pressed a kiss to Tyler's forehead before forcing himself to his feet. He found antibiotic cream and bandages as Tyler turned on the water. Stripping themselves of clothes, they stepped in to the cramped stall. It wasn't sexual; it was meant to comfort the both of them. Tyler shampooed and washed Josh's hair as Josh scrubbed at the paint on Tyler's body. Neither of them touched the new red marks. 

Soon, they were both clean and bandaged and wrapped in each other's arms. Josh fell asleep on Tyler's chest and they both slept well. 

In the morning, they would feel the guilt individually, the disappointment of the relapse, but they would not discuss it. They would never discuss it aloud. Instead, they would fall into warm arms and cold sheets and they would be okay. 

They would be okay.


End file.
